for the past couple of nights my head has been filled with thoughts all rummaging about trying to find a way to the surface . none of them made much sense , they still don't not really . maybe this is all to do with the ending of another year , another chapter if you will . maybe i just feel the need to explain myself more maybe it's neither of those things i don't know .
what i do know is that my life is moving on and im not sure which way it will go or if i will lead this change willingly or not . some times it seems that my life is like a loose flap of carpet . you roll a desk chair over it it moves , you catch a glimpse of the floor boards and then you spend all your time trying to stamp it back into place again but it never sticks right and then every so often it moves little by little .
so here it is a new year fast approaching . what do i change? what plans do i make? what lists do i draw up? what hopes do i have ?
what does anyone hope for ? love ? happines ? health ? success ?
i'm not sure about me and what my hopes are . they may become clear . i may suddenly wake up , jump from my bed and have a plan . right now i'm not sure . i caught sight of myself in the mirror on the medicine cabinet in the downstairs loo earlier. i'm still haunted by my own eyes as they looked back at me , lost and sad as if all hope had been sucked away and i was left with emptiness . maybe something inside me broke and it's waiting to be fixed again .
life is full of maybe's isn't it . people say that anything is possible but what does anything look like ? what does it feel like ? and what happens if anything lets you down and becomes nothing ? strange food for thought you change one word and the whole outlook changes with it . that means that if nothing is possible then all you are left with are snap shots of your life and your memories .
food for thought in deed . that would leave me in the middle of an unfinished love story still hoping for a happy ending and surrounded by my memories of the times that i smiled and laughed and felt something other than blank .
well if this particular blog had taught me anything it had taught me never to blog when i have my pondering pants on . too many questions and not enough answers and no magic wand .